just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pants are for mortals
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
