My friends, they love my intelligence
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
