ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
