A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
