I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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