I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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