3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
