What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
