So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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