You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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