So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
