after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
