i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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