True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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