The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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