Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
