You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
