you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
