the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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