***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
