Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
