You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
