i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh god it's open bar.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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