She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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