I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
