Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
