Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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