i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
