mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
