Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
