why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
