I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
