I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
