the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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