All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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