Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The beer is more important than you right now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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