got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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