theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Randomize
