Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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