High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
