omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
