She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
