do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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