broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize