FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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