I puked a lego.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
