I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
