I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
