Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
