is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
