Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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