I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Are we still banned from the library?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
