There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
