Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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