I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
