He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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