the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
